Life these days

So often I want to sit and write a blog post....though I feel lately I just post an event (for my own memory keeping---because if I don't write it down I can't remember anything) or how many months have passed as our baby girl continues to grow. But I do have thoughts in my head, my head is swimming with thoughts really! I want to write some meaningful post like some really good blogs I read......some days I just feel like I get lost though, does anyone else feel this way? I easily begin to feel like all I'm doing is changing another diaper, preparing another meal, cleaning up dishes, folding more laundry, picking up messes, doing school work, etc etc etc.

 I know every other mother of young children feels the same. So I question do I have thoughts?? as it feels so easy to be lost in all these daily tasks I do over and over and over again. Where is me? What do I think? What is going on inside my heart? What is God teaching me?? So often I feel frustrated. Frustrated that I can hardly find time to spend in God's word. Frustrated that if I make the time it's maybe 20-30 minutes and I don't even know where to begin in His word. Prayer; at least I think I'm attempting to pray....for my heart to be softened seeing and hearing what He wants me to see; praying for my husband and children; ....but then it seems I'm just floating and ultimately I'm depending on me is what I so often see.

I know motherhood is our calling.....we are raising and training and preparing these little "disciples", we could call them, to be equipped to know God and praying so desperately that He changes their hearts and that they too will grow up never remembering a time not knowing and loving Jesus! That they will desire to not be conformed to the ways of this world, that they would desire to share this faith and hope with those lost all around them! But I so often feel I fail at this. I constantly fall short. But isn't that because I'm trusting in me; I'm depending on myself and my own strength?! 

So I often ponder when the house is quiet and everyone is in bed....was today any different? Yes I wiped noses, fed people, gave them clean clothes, etc.......but did I make a difference in the big picture of eternity?! I know that loving them, praying for them, teaching them is what it's all about but I question if I did it well......was I just mean and grouchy, being unnerved by every little mess I found as I turned a corner. Again...reflection.....I'm trusting in me, depending on my strength and my abilities. Oh how I need Jesus!! I need His righteousness, His perfectness, His Spirit to cover all my mess (forget about the messes they make all over this house, I'm the mess!!) I need to remind myself of His promises, His unfailing love for me--despite all my shortcomings and failures!

"The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love." Psalm 103:8

"For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:11-12

"....for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." Phil. 2:13

"for I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt so that you would no longer be slaves to the Egyptians; I broke the bars of your yoke and enabled you to walk with heads held high." Leviticus 26:13 (one of my favorites!)

So here I look at them...these 4 beautiful little people that God has entrusted into our care! I know I'm going to mess up. Because the fact is I'm sinful; I can't do it right or perfectly, only Jesus can! So I know I must remind myself of His truths, His promises....I must run to Him daily, leaning all on Him and not at all on myself!

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithful." Lamentations 3:23

Four Months

It's already time to write another update post on little Maggie! I can't believe she has been with us and apart of our family for 4 months now! Some days feel long keeping up with 4 little people......but then when you turn the corner of another month it seems so surreal how fast it goes by!

So on Saturday this sweet girl officially turned 4 months old!

She is just such a joy and full of pure sweetness! We are so blessed and thankful that baby #4 is so easy going......unless she's hungry or tired this sweet girl is full of smiles and coos and even some attempts at a little "uh huh" (beginning laughs with a big ole grin on her face!). It is so crazy that last year at this time we were just finding out God had knit her together. To be honest it was slightly stressful and overwhelming. We had lost a baby back in the fall, and were really back and forth with the idea of how to add (if we were going to add) to our family. Let's face it...at 2 1/2, 3 1/2 and 5 1/2....things were beginning to calm down....they were seemingly becoming "easier" if I dare say that. We felt our heads were beginning to come up for air from the water we'd been swimming in for the past 5 years of having 3 children in less than 3 years! A missed nap for a 2 1/2 year old was not a big deal, outings were easier not toting a diaper bag full of all those baby essentials (granted she wasn't potty trained till later in the summer.....but it's not as big of a deal to grab a diaper or 2 as you run out the door).

But it was this week, right after Easter last year, I took that test. That test that has changed our family forever! I was scared to be pregnant again...honestly. Would I loose another baby....I was almost 37, would she develop ok? And the biggest deal.....oh please Lord let Reed have a brother....how I'd love to experience baby boy all over again....the trucks, the machines, the trains, dirt, all things boy! But again we were all shocked upon hearing in that ultrasound that God had ordained for it to be girl #3. 

But now she is here...she's healthy...she's perfect! We are all so smitten and in love getting to know her more and more everyday! Even big brother adores more than I could have prayed for him to! You'd never know that sweet boy was so confused having asked God to give him a brother and then to find out it was another sister.....but I don't think he could imagined it any other way either! 

How amazing it is to see that the Lord knows what is best for us, for our family. Last fall we had to go through loss.......but again He still was God, the God who He says He is. He is good, all the time God is good! And undeserving as we are....He did bless us, again, with another very healthy baby! Maybe it didn't balance out our boy/girl ratio....but He knew balancing out the ratio didn't really matter! He knew she was perfect for our family, regardless of what we "thought" was best. We love, love, love you Maggie Starks! How abundantly blessed we are by your presence in our family! I certainly couldn't have imagined last year at this time how perfectly this girl fits right into our mold, but she does! And we are ever thankful she is here with us....praying that she too will grow to know and love Jesus as her Savior---and impact people, nations with this great truth and hope of Him!