I know every other mother of young children feels the same. So I question do I have thoughts?? as it feels so easy to be lost in all these daily tasks I do over and over and over again. Where is me? What do I think? What is going on inside my heart? What is God teaching me?? So often I feel frustrated. Frustrated that I can hardly find time to spend in God's word. Frustrated that if I make the time it's maybe 20-30 minutes and I don't even know where to begin in His word. Prayer; at least I think I'm attempting to pray....for my heart to be softened seeing and hearing what He wants me to see; praying for my husband and children; ....but then it seems I'm just floating and ultimately I'm depending on me is what I so often see.
I know motherhood is our calling.....we are raising and training and preparing these little "disciples", we could call them, to be equipped to know God and praying so desperately that He changes their hearts and that they too will grow up never remembering a time not knowing and loving Jesus! That they will desire to not be conformed to the ways of this world, that they would desire to share this faith and hope with those lost all around them! But I so often feel I fail at this. I constantly fall short. But isn't that because I'm trusting in me; I'm depending on myself and my own strength?!
So I often ponder when the house is quiet and everyone is in bed....was today any different? Yes I wiped noses, fed people, gave them clean clothes, etc.......but did I make a difference in the big picture of eternity?! I know that loving them, praying for them, teaching them is what it's all about but I question if I did it well......was I just mean and grouchy, being unnerved by every little mess I found as I turned a corner. Again...reflection.....I'm trusting in me, depending on my strength and my abilities. Oh how I need Jesus!! I need His righteousness, His perfectness, His Spirit to cover all my mess (forget about the messes they make all over this house, I'm the mess!!) I need to remind myself of His promises, His unfailing love for me--despite all my shortcomings and failures!
"The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love." Psalm 103:8
"For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:11-12
"....for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." Phil. 2:13
"for I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
"I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt so that you would no longer be slaves to the Egyptians; I broke the bars of your yoke and enabled you to walk with heads held high." Leviticus 26:13 (one of my favorites!)
So here I look at them...these 4 beautiful little people that God has entrusted into our care! I know I'm going to mess up. Because the fact is I'm sinful; I can't do it right or perfectly, only Jesus can! So I know I must remind myself of His truths, His promises....I must run to Him daily, leaning all on Him and not at all on myself!
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithful." Lamentations 3:23